Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Alien VS Predator picture

This is priceless

Alien VS Predator picture

In case you wonder which one the predator is, here is a hint
one of them preys on children :-)

help hisham to set up an online business, aka begging on the web

Posted here at the microsoft.public.sqlserver.programming forum

Hello world.
I had some problems with my business.
My name is Noor Hisham Bin Ahmad.
I,m from Malaysia.
I need some funds to support my blog because I want set up an online
business.

this is my account number.
Bank Simpanan Nasional
0210029816898886


via western union


How pathetic is that, maybe it should be called Begging 2.0

Friday, October 26, 2007

Do you want to laugh or cry?

I don't know if I should laugh or cry after looking at this code. This could not have been written by a human right?

Anyway here it is, consider it a teaser. If you want to torture yourself and look at the whole query then go here: http://www.tek-tips.com/viewthread.cfm?qid=1421304&page=1



HAVING (((1 = 1)
AND (PP.Created >= ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/1900')
AND PP.Created < 1 =" 2)">= ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/1900')
AND (MIN(PV.Visit)) < DATEADD(d, 1, ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/3000')))
))



WHERE
(
(NULL IS NOT NULL
AND pv.DoctorId IN (NULL))
OR(NULL IS NULL)
)



CASE
WHEN '0' = 1 THEN df.ListName
WHEN '0' = 2 THEN df2.ListName
WHEN '0' = 3 THEN ic.ListName
ELSE NULL
END


Someone will red flag the post, here is the whole query.


/* New Patient Analysis */

SET NOCOUNT ON

CREATE TABLE #PatientTemp
(
[PatientProfileId] [int] NOT NULL ,
[Prefix] [varchar] (10) NULL ,
[First] [varchar] (30) NULL ,
[Middle] [varchar] (30) NULL ,
[Last] [varchar] (30) NULL ,
[Suffix] [varchar] (20) NULL ,
[Created] [datetime] NOT NULL
)

Insert #PatientTemp

SELECT PP.PatientProfileId, PP.Prefix, PP.First, PP.Middle, PP.Last, PP.Suffix,
CASE
WHEN 1 = 1 THEN PP.Created
WHEN 1 = 2 THEN Min(PV.Visit)
ELSE NULL
END As Created

FROM PatientVisit PV
INNER JOIN PatientProfile PP ON PP.PatientProfileId = PV.PatientProfileId

GROUP BY PP.PatientProfileId, PP.Prefix, PP.First, PP.Middle, PP.Last, PP.Suffix, PP.Created

HAVING (((1 = 1)AND
(PP.Created >= ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/1900') AND PP.Created < DATEADD(d, 1, ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/3000')))
))
OR
((1 = 2)AND
((MIN(PV.Visit) >= ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/1900') AND (MIN(PV.Visit)) < DATEADD(d, 1, ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/3000')))
))

Order By PP.First, PP.Last

SELECT dbo.FormatName(#PatientTemp.Prefix, #PatientTemp.First, #PatientTemp.Middle, #PatientTemp.Last, #PatientTemp.Suffix) AS Name,
CASE
WHEN 1 = 1 THEN #PatientTemp.Created
WHEN 1 = 2 THEN Min(pv.Visit)
ELSE NULL
END As Created,
COUNT(*) AS [Number Of Visits],
SUM(pva.OrigInsAllocation + pva.OrigPatAllocation) AS Charges,
SUM(pva.InsPayment + pva.PatPayment) AS Payments,
CASE
WHEN '0' = 1 THEN df.ListName
WHEN '0' = 2 THEN df2.ListName
WHEN '0' = 3 THEN ic.ListName
ELSE NULLA
END As Grouping

FROM PatientVisit pv
INNER JOIN PatientVisitAgg pva ON pv.PatientVisitId = pva.PatientVisitId
INNER JOIN #PatientTemp ON pv.PatientProfileId = #PatientTemp.PatientProfileId
INNER JOIN DoctorFacility df ON pv.DoctorId = df.DoctorFacilityId
LEFT JOIN DoctorFacility df1 ON pv.ReferringDoctorId = df1.DoctorFacilityId
LEFT JOIN DoctorFacility df2 ON pv.FacilityId = df2.DoctorFacilityId
LEFT JOIN InsuranceCarriers ic ON ic.InsuranceCarriersId = pv.PrimaryInsuranceCarriersId

WHERE
(
(NULL IS NOT NULL AND pv.DoctorId IN (NULL)) OR
(NULL IS NULL)
)
AND
(
(NULL IS NOT NULL AND pv.ReferringDoctorId IN (NULL)) OR
(NULL IS NULL)
)
AND
(
(NULL IS NOT NULL AND pv.FacilityId IN (NULL)) OR
(NULL IS NULL)
)
AND --Filter on insurance carrier
(
(NULL IS NOT NULL AND ic.InsuranceCarriersId IN (NULL)) OR
(NULL IS NULL)
)

GROUP BY #PatientTemp.Created,dbo.FormatName(#PatientTemp.Prefix, #PatientTemp .First, #PatientTemp.Middle, #PatientTemp.Last, #PatientTemp.Suffix),
pva.PatientProfileId,
CASE
WHEN '0' = 1 THEN df.ListName
WHEN '0' = 2 THEN df2.ListName
WHEN '0' = 3 THEN ic.ListName
ELSE NULL
END

HAVING (((1 = 1)AND
(#PatientTemp.Created >= ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/1900') AND #PatientTemp.Created < DATEADD(d, 1, ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/3000')))
))
OR
((1 = 2)AND
((MIN(pv.Visit) >= ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/1900') AND (MIN(pv.Visit)) < DATEADD(d, 1, ISNULL(NULL,'1/1/3000')))
))

ORDER BY dbo.FormatName(#PatientTemp.Prefix, #PatientTemp.First, #PatientTemp.Middle, #PatientTemp.Last, #PatientTemp .Suffix), #PatientTemp.Created
Drop table #PatientTemp

Friday, August 24, 2007

Spam so bad it is funny

Hahaha, is this a babelfish translation?

FROM: BILLY BANGURAABUJA,NIGERIA
E-MAIL: billy_bangura2005@yahoo.co.uk
DEAR ONE
PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I GOT YOUR CONTACT THROUGH MY CAREFUL SEARCH FOR TRUST WORTHY ASSISTANCE IN THE NET.
I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR NAME AMONG OTHER (3) NAMES I GOT ALSO DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS.
I AM BILLY BANGURA PRESENTLY A POLITICAL REFUGEE IN ABUJA NIGERIA THE SON OF THE FORMER MINISTER OF FINANCE OF SIERRA LEONE, MR THAIMU BANGURA A GOLD DEALER.
DURING THE RECENT CRISIS IN MY COUNTRY (SIERRA LEONE), MY LATE FATHER WAS CAPTURED AND KILLED BY THE REBELS WHO ACCUSED HIM OF MIS-APPROPRIATION OF FUND AND EMBEZZLEMENT.

SHORTLY AFTER HIS DEATH, I ESCAPED TO NIGERIA-WEST AFRICA REGION FOR SATETY.
HE [MY LATE FATHER] LEFT SOME DOCUMENT WITH ME INDICATING CONSIGNMENT DEPOSIT MADE WITH A SECURITY COMPANY HERE IN NIGERIA BEFORE HIS DEATH, WHICH THE CONTENT US $50M {FIFTY MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS}.
THE BOX WAS DEPOSITED FOR SAFE-KEEPING AND YOUR ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED BECAUSE MY STATUS AS POLITICAL REFUGEE DOSE NOT PERMIT ME TO HANDLE LARGE SUM OF MONEY HERE, AND YOU WILL ALSO BE EXCEPTED TO PROVIDE ME WITH INFORMATION ON INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES IN YOUR COUNTRY.
I DO NOT WISH TO CONTACT ANY OF MY LATE FATHER'S BUSINESS COMRADES/PARTNER BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW WHO EXACTLY CAUSED HIS DEATH.


WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 1986, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM MOTHERLESS.
HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS ACCUSED BY HIS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE, (SUCH AS REAL ESTATE MANAGEMENT). I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS.

1) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUNDS IN YOUR COUNTRY SINCE I AM A BOY OF 28 YEARS OLD.

2) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY.

3) I AM SOLICITING FOR YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANCE WITH TOP ARRANGE AND TO RECEIVE THIS MONEY ON BEHAIF OF ME AND ENSURE THAT THE MONEY IS UTILIZED WISELY IN A COUNTRY OF STABLE ECONOMY LIKE YOUR COUNTRY. THE PURPOSE OF THE MONEY WILL BE FOR A VIABLE INVESTMENT AFTER WE HAVE COLLECTED THE MONEY FROM THE SECURITY VAULT COMPANY.
MY REASON OF CONTACTING YOU IS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION FOR YOU TO ASSIST ME IN THE REMOVING OF THE FUND OUT OF THE SECURITY COMPANY IN YOUR FAVOUR AND MY AS WELL. MOREOVER, TO HELP ME USE THE FUND CAREFULLY FOR INVESTMENT. ALL THE NECESSARY DOCUMENT ARE AT MY REACH. WITH CONFIDENCE IN YOU AS A TRUST-WORTHY PERSON TO ACT IN GOOD FAITH! I WILL INTRODUCE YOU TO AN ATTORNEY AS MY FATHER'S FOREIGN PARTNER WHO WILL ASSIST YOU WITH LEGAL PROCEEDINGS.
SINCE YOUR PARTICULARS WILL APPEAR EVERY VITAL DOCUMENT AS THE OWNER OF THE FUND THIS TRANSACTION WILL ATTRACT 30% FOR THE ASSIST YOU ARE RENDERING.
FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME, AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME AND ENDEAVOUR TO FURNISH ME WITH YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR EASY COMMUNICATION.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS, HOPING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.
IN GOD WE TRUST.
YOURS SINCERELY,
BILLY BANGURA
NB: PLEASE REPLY ME THROUGH THIS MY PRIVATE E-MAIL (billy_bangura2005@yahoo.co.uk) FOR SECURITY REASON. THANKS

Sunday, May 20, 2007

It's Time For Violence: A song about Databases vs CodeMonkey

Since it is the weekend Here are 2 song for you, they both have something to do with programming.
First song is Time For Violence
A Song about Databases
Lyrics By Roy Osherove

You can download te mp3 here: http://weblogs.asp.net/rosherove/archive/2007/05/19/it-s-time-for-violence-a-song-about-databases.aspx

Here are some of the lyrics

Hello DB My old friend
I need to work with you again
That stored procedure aint lookin' well
Who wrote that trigger should go to jail
and that index, It is slower than a snail
What the hell


The second song is CodeMonkey by Jonathan Coulton
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/2006/04/14/thing-a-week-29-code-monkey/

Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
Code Monkey have boring meeting
With boring manager Rob
Rob say Code Monkey very dilligent
But his output stink
His code not “functional” or “elegant”
What do Code Monkey think?
Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write god damned login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy, just proud

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey hang around at front desk
Tell you sweater look nice
Code Monkey offer buy you soda
Bring you cup, bring you ice
You say no thank you for the soda cause
Soda make you fat
Anyway you busy with the telephone
No time for chat
Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle he sit down pretend to work
Code Monkey not thinking so straight
Code Monkey not feeling so great

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you a lot

Code Monkey have every reason
To get out this place
Code Monkey just keep on working
See your soft pretty face
Much rather wake up, eat a coffee cake
Take bath, take nap
This job “fulfilling in creative way”
Such a load of crap
Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you
Code Monkey just waiting for now
Code Monkey say someday, somehow

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you

And here is the Code Monkey video on YouTube

Monday, May 14, 2007

Google: A Girl's Best Friend

Type these searches into a Google search box

she created
she invented
she discovered
she debugged

Look at what Google suggests.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Great Programming Quote

"pasting code from the internet into production code is like chewing gum found in the street."

None of use pasted straight into production code from a newsgroup/forum right? <g>

Friday, April 13, 2007

Flamed By Celko?


I found this funny pic of the man who gave us newsgroup gems like this for example: ">> Any suggestion is greatly appreciated. <<


EVERYTHING you are doing is TOTALLY wrong. You have just been cussed
out by one of the people who wrote this language. If you have brain
instead of an ego, you might want to listen.

This is a (bad) COBOL program written in SQL! There is so much
formatting done in SQL code! The bad news -- for me-- is that this
code is so awful I cannot use it in my next book as a bad example
because it is too proprietary! You could be famous!


Your code is so awful, you even use the "tbl-" prefixes to tell us you
have no idea about RDBMS! You keep converting dates to strings because
you are writing COBOL in SQL and want strings!


Why do your have "CREATE TABLE #tmp_sched" when view would work?
Answer: because magnetic tape files have to be materialized


Why do you spit on ISO-11179 rules and use a "tbl-" prefix? Because
you know only BASIC programming, which needs the prefixes for the one
pass compiler.


You write SQL with flags like it was 1950's Assembly language! Flags
in SQL!! Ghod Damn!! Varying length identifiers!? And I loved the way
spit on ANSI/ISO Standards with "SET QUOTED_IDENTIFIER OFF", etc.?


You need help you cannot get on a newsgroup.
"

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Hilarious Paris Hilton Subway Ad



What else needs to be said. Poor Tinkerbell or whatever the name of that dog is.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

SQL Server Speaks Almost As Many Languages As I Do

Saw this error while running a job

Error Code: 4860
Cannot bulk load. The file "%ls" does not exist.
Massenladen ist nicht möglich. Die Datei "%1!" ist nicht vorhanden.
Chargement en bloc impossible. Le fichier "%1!" n'existe pas.
???????????????? "%1!" ???????? No se puede realizar la carga masiva......


This is the first time that I have seen a multi-language error. It appears that SQL Server 2005 is a multi-language 'speaker'.
So we have 4 languages in this error

English
Cannot bulk load. The file "%ls" does not exist.

German
Massenladen ist nicht möglich. Die Datei "%1!" ist nicht vorhanden.

French
Chargement en bloc impossible. Le fichier "%1!" n'existe pas.

Spanish
???????????????? "%1!" ???????? No se puede realizar la carga masiva (don't know what the deal is with those question marks, probabaly a missing font)


So I speak 2 of these languages and 2.5 other languages and also a dialect. But I can curse in many more ;-)

Saturday, March 17, 2007

St. Patrick's Day Joke: Irish Daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute..."

Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath). ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Don't Know What To Say In Meetings?

So you have these boring meetings and you want to say stuff that sound smart but no one will understand what you talking about. What do you do? Well you use the Web Economy Bullshit Generator of course. This tool mixes a bunch of predefined verbs, adjectives and nouns. The result are gems like these


grow collaborative deliverables
disintermediate ubiquitous web-readiness
seize intuitive users
orchestrate integrated portals


So go ahead and give it a try: http://dack.com/web/bullshit.html

I could have sworn I saw some of these phrases in books ;-)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Did You Have Your Pie On Pi Day?




March 14th is Pi Day as the date 3/14 corresponds to the mathematical number pi.

The mathematical constant π is a transcendental (and therefore irrational) real number, approximately equal to 3.14159, which is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean geometry, and has many uses in mathematics, physics, and engineering. It is also known as Archimedes' constant and as Ludolph's number

Here are the first 100 digits of PI

3.
1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651

Friday, March 09, 2007

how to save a whole heap of money on SQL Server 2000 licenses

I Just read this on the daily WTF (which got renamed to Worse Than Failure the other day)
An insurance company decides to install the trial version of SQL server 2000 on their production box because they don't want to pay the license. After 6 months they backup all the data, wipe out the hard drive (reimage) and install the trial version again, restore all the databases and are good to go for another 6 months...ROFL
Why not just use developer edition? You are violating the license anyway, it will at least save you the hassle of reinstalling every 6 months...
Link to original article is here http://worsethanfailure.com/Articles/SQL_on_Trial.aspx